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Crispinus! I can’t help calling him, once more,
To his own parts, as I often did before;
This monster whom no virtue redeems
From a life of vice whose diseased delight
Only libidinousness can ignite;
This adulterer who indeed seems
Ready to spurn widows but not maids.
Who cares to know how many arcades
He owns in which to tire his mares, and
The way he’s borne through a shaded woodland
On a palanquin, or how many plum
Acres he possesses near the Forum,
Or how many houses he’s already
Bought? Immoral men are never happy,
Least of all this indecorous criminal
Who even seduced a filleted vestal,
Not long ago, marking her for the grave,
(Like all the priestesses who don’t behave)
With the blood in all her veins still thick and quick.
But now I’d rather talk of petty crimes
That can however draw oftentimes
The attention of the guardians of public
Morals. But all is permitted to that prick,
All that would leave in a sorry plight
Titius and Seius who are upright.
And what can you do with Crispinus? He’s base
And rather past the worst criminal case.
He went shopping for a mullet so great
As to equal in sesterces its weight:
Six thousand pounds (as people would say
With an inclination to overplay).
It’s an idea to which I could assent
If the money had been used to hew
A substantial chunk off the testament
Of an old fellow without issue.
It would have been much better had he sent
The enormous fish to a female
Laden with power, one of those who
Are carried around in a closed sedan chair
With large glass windows. To no avail!
It was for his own use. We stomach such abuse
As poor frugal Apicius would never dare
To think about; that’s not your case Crispinus,
You who once wore your country’s papyrus
clothing. D’you buy scales at this price? For less you
Could have bought the fisherman instead:
That’s the price of a Provincial homestead
And of an estate in Apulia too.
What kind of titbits the Emperor then
Was wont to swallow down, we reckon, when
This clown about town clothed in purple by
The Palatine, this Equestrian Prince who
In his own country used to hawk small fry
At the top of his voice, belched up a slew
Of sesterces for a side dish
Of his modest supper? O how I wish
You would commence Calliope!
And let’s sit down as this is
No poetical fantasy.
You girllike Pierian Muses
Tell the story! And may forsooth
Be of use my hint at your youth!
When the last of the Flavian line
Was doing his utmost to undermine
The world and enslaved was Rome
By Nero with his bald dome,
A huge turbot of the Adriatic
Fell into a net in front of the Fane
Of Goddess Venus, sustained by Doric
Ancona, and filled it up with its mass.
A fish not smaller than those which remain
Under the floes of the Maeotian morass
Till, torpid and fat after the thaw, wildly
Flow down to the coast of the Black Sea.
The Master of the boat, and net as well,
Promptly reserved that wondrous fish for
The Supreme Priest, that is the Emperor.
Indeed who would have run the risk to sell
Or buy such a fish along the sea shore
With informers and denouncers galore.
The sparse sea weed inspectors walking to and fro
Would have promptly accused that oarsman in the raw,
Ready to swear, no doubt, the fat fish had swum out
Of Caesar’s pond after a long sojourn
And to its own old Master should return.
If Palfurius or Armillatus trust we must
All things fine and rare that swim in the sea
Are the Emperor’s fiscal property.
Therefore it’s to the Emperor’s own chest
The turbot ought to be turned over, lest
It should be seized. The deadly Fall by this time
Was giving way to the hoary, frosty clime;
Sick people hoped for the quartan already,
The deformed Winter’s hiss that could delay
The newly-caught fish’s rapid decay.
The fisherman, as if chased by the windy
Sweltering Southern breath, hastened away;
So that as soon as he got to the lake where
Alba, all in ruins notwithstanding,
Keeps the ancient fire of Troy burning,
And of a Lesser Vesta stands in prayer,
A stunned crowd tried to keep him outside;
When it broke up the doors were opened wide
Turning on their hinges and in went the prize
Delicacy under the Senators’ eyes;
So they run up to Atreus’ son.
“Accept” the Picene begins to say
“This wonder for a simple home too vast,
For you this is a red-letter day,
Quickly free you stomach from all ballast;
This Age calls for you to feed on this turbot
Which for this very treat let itself get caught.”
Perfectly clear! Yet how quick to show pride
Was the god-like Emperor who did not
Know he was being taken for a ride;
But no pan was there large enough to hold
The fish; the Senators were thus enrolled
For advice: men he loathed, whose pale countenance
Mirrored his august, pernicious acquaintance.
“Come quickly“ cried out Liburnus,
“He’s taken his seat already.”
Dragging his cloak came Pegasus,
Imposed upon a shocked city
As Steward. But could Praefects then be
Something else? He was the best of all; also
A strict interpreter of the laws, though
He thought justice and clemency
Should go together in times so dire;
Behind him Crispus, a jocund sire,
Whose eloquence went hand in hand
With his good breeding and his bland
Nature. The fittest of companions
For one ruling over sea, land
And … over sundry populations,
Had he, under that ruthless damned
Pest, been allowed to just give advice
And put upon savageness a price;
But what on earth is more violent than
A tyrant’s ear within whose reach a man
Who talks to a friend about the clime:
Rain, heat and tempests commits a crime?
Never against the stream did Crispus swim
Nor laid bare the recesses of his heart
And for the sake of truth risk life and limb.
Indeed so many Winters he could see
And Solstices as well, up to eighty:
Those were the arms that rendered him so smart
And made him safe in such a foul milieu;
An octogenarian hastened behind
Him, named Acilius with a young man who
Didn’t at all deserve a death so unkind
And untimely by the tyrant’s sword;
But nowadays a nobleman would find
It miraculous to reach old age and
Undoubtedly I’d rather be a giant’s little brother.
It didn’t help that the wretched man had gored
Numidian bears fighting them hand-to-hand
In the Alban circus. All understand
The patricians’ wiles now. The tricks, Brutus,
You once used to deceive Tarquinius
Would not be a surprise for those who think
A bearded king is easy to hoodwink;
Next came Rubio on whose face one could read,
Though low-born, an old terrible misdeed;
Meaner than a satirist gay and pink;
Then Montanus, carrying his unwieldy gut,
And Crispinus perspiring from a glut
Of shrub’s balm, enough not just for a dead body
But two; and Pompey, crueller than he,
Who could have had citizens’ throat cut
By his soft whispers. Then came Fuscus who
In his fine villa made of marble drew
Plans of battle reserving his entrails
For the hovering Dacian vultures’ nails.
And then came prudent Veiento
With deadly Catullus in tow;
He was mad about a girl he’d never seen;
A sycophant blind and mean,
An absurd monster in these
Times of great monstrosities:
An adulator fit to go begging
By the bridge on the road to the town
Of Aricia (in Latium) sending
Tender kisses to the coaches tumbling
Down the slope. Nobody else’s surprise
Was greater than his at the mullet’s size,
And turning left he praised with all his might
The awful monster which was on his right.
The arena too reflected the sound
Of his praises for a Cilicians’ fight,
For the throwing of javelins, for the stage machines
And for the children lifted off the ground
Up to the Circus awning.
But, just determined not to be less,
And as if inspired by the Goddess
Bellona, Veiento prophesied:
This is the omen of a wondrous thing,
A triumph to come: You will capture a king;
Arviragus will fall off the side
Of his Britannic chariot. A Peregrine
Monster with such sharp spikes as were never seen
Before! And Veiento could almost gauge
The turbot’s waters and also its age.
“What’s your advice then, are we going to slice
It?” “It would be such a shame” Montanus cried
“Let’s prepare instead a pan around whose side
Thin and deep a large space lies. The deft hands
Of a great Prometheus will work the clay
At the wheel. O Caesar let from this day
With your infantry march the potters’ bands!”
Worthy was deemed the man’s point of view;
The Imperial Court’s ancient orgies he knew
Very well: when Nero, staying up all night
With burning lungs, got a new appetite.
Nobody used to eat better than he
In my young days. At the very first bite
He could tell the oysters born in the sea
Of the Circeian Cape from those from the sand
Of Lake Lucrinus or from the rocky strand
Of Rutupiae, a Roman settlement in Kent.
As for sea-urchins promptly of each
He could, at first sight, pinpoint the beach.
The session was adjourned. On your feet!
Those dignitaries who confused and pressed
The Great Leader had summoned to his seat
In Alba as if to talk about some plans
(Brought from afar by an anxious request)
Of the Chattis or the surly Sycambrians.
Indeed would that in such trifles he had spent
His cruel days when fine souls, unavenged and rare,
Had been torn from Rome without punishment.
He only fell when he started to scare …
The workmen low-ranking and indigent:
That was the end of him, while the mud
Was still running with the Lamis’ blood
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Ecce iterum Crispinus, et est mihi saepe uocandus
ad partes, monstrum nulla uirtute redemptum
a uitiis, aegrae solaque libidine fortes
deliciae, uiduas tantum aspernatus adulter.
quid refert igitur, quantis iumenta fatiget 5
porticibus, quanta nemorum uectetur in umbra,
iugera quot uicina foro, quas emerit aedes
[nemo malus felix, minime corruptor et idem]
incestus, cum quo nuper uittata iacebat
sanguine adhuc uiuo terram subitura sacerdos? 10
sed nunc de factis leuioribus. et tamen alter
si fecisset idem caderet sub iudice morum;
nam, quod turpe bonis Titio Seiioque, decebat
Crispinum. quid agas, cum dira et foedior omni
crimine persona est? mullum sex milibus emit, 15
aequantem sane paribus sestertia libris,
ut perhibent qui de magnis maiora locuntur.
consilium laudo artificis, si munere tanto
praecipuam in tabulis ceram senis abstulit orbi;
est ratio ulterior, magnae si misit amicae, 20
quae uehitur cluso latis specularibus antro.
nil tale expectes: emit sibi. multa uidemus
quae miser et frugi non fecit Apicius. hoc tu
succinctus patria quondam, Crispine, papyro?
hoc pretio squamae? potuit fortasse minoris 25
piscator quam piscis emi; prouincia tanti
uendit agros, sed maiores Apulia uendit.
qualis tunc epulas ipsum gluttisse putamus
induperatorem, cum tot sestertia, partem
exiguam et modicae sumptam de margine cenae, 30
purpureus magni ructarit scurra Palati,
iam princeps equitum, magna qui uoce solebat
uendere municipes fracta de merce siluros?
incipe, Calliope. licet et considere: non est
cantandum, res uera agitur. narrate, puellae 35
Pierides, prosit mihi uos dixisse puellas.
cum iam semianimum laceraret Flauius orbem
ultimus et caluo seruiret Roma Neroni,
incidit Hadriaci spatium admirabile rhombi
ante domum Veneris, quam Dorica sustinet Ancon, 40
impleuitque sinus; neque enim minor haeserat illis
quos operit glacies Maeotica ruptaque tandem
solibus effundit torrentis ad ostia Ponti
desidia tardos et longo frigore pingues.
destinat hoc monstrum cumbae linique magister 45
pontifici summo. quis enim proponere talem
aut emere auderet, cum plena et litora multo
delatore forent? dispersi protinus algae
inquisitores agerent cum remige nudo,
non dubitaturi fugitiuum dicere piscem 50
depastumque diu uiuaria Caesaris, inde
elapsum ueterem ad dominum debere reuerti.
si quid Palfurio, si credimus Armillato,
quidquid conspicuum pulchrumque est aequore toto
res fisci est, ubicumque natat. donabitur ergo, 55
ne pereat. iam letifero cedente pruinis
autumno, iam quartanam sperantibus aegris,
stridebat deformis hiems praedamque recentem
seruabat; tamen hic properat, uelut urgueat auster.
utque lacus suberant, ubi quamquam diruta seruat 60
ignem Troianum et Vestam colit Alba minorem,
obstitit intranti miratrix turba parumper.
ut cessit, facili patuerunt cardine ualuae;
exclusi spectant admissa obsonia patres.
itur ad Atriden. tum Picens 'accipe' dixit 65
'priuatis maiora focis. genialis agatur
iste dies. propera stomachum laxare sagina
et tua seruatum consume in saecula rhombum.
ipse capi uoluit.' quid apertius? et tamen illi
surgebant cristae. nihil est quod credere de se 70
non possit cum laudatur dis aequa potestas.
sed derat pisci patinae mensura. uocantur
ergo in consilium proceres, quos oderat ille,
in quorum facie miserae magnaeque sedebat
pallor amicitiae. primus clamante Liburno 75
'currite, iam sedit' rapta properabat abolla
Pegasus, attonitae positus modo uilicus urbi.
anne aliud tum praefecti? quorum optimus atque
interpres legum sanctissimus omnia, quamquam
temporibus diris, tractanda putabat inermi 80
iustitia. uenit et Crispi iucunda senectus,
cuius erant mores qualis facundia, mite
ingenium. maria ac terras populosque regenti
quis comes utilior, si clade et peste sub illa
saeuitiam damnare et honestum adferre liceret 85
consilium? sed quid uiolentius aure tyranni,
cum quo de pluuiis aut aestibus aut nimboso
uere locuturi fatum pendebat amici?
ille igitur numquam derexit bracchia contra
torrentem, nec ciuis erat qui libera posset 90
uerba animi proferre et uitam inpendere uero.
sic multas hiemes atque octogensima uidit
solstitia, his armis illa quoque tutus in aula.
proximus eiusdem properabat Acilius aeui
cum iuuene indigno quem mors tam saeua maneret 95
et domini gladiis tam festinata; sed olim
prodigio par est in nobilitate senectus,
unde fit ut malim fraterculus esse gigantis.
profuit ergo nihil misero quod comminus ursos
figebat Numidas Albana nudus harena 100
uenator. quis enim iam non intellegat artes
patricias? quis priscum illud miratur acumen,
Brute, tuum? facile est barbato inponere regi.
nec melior uultu quamuis ignobilis ibat
Rubrius, offensae ueteris reus atque tacendae, 105
et tamen inprobior saturam scribente cinaedo.
Montani quoque uenter adest abdomine tardus,
et matutino sudans Crispinus amomo
quantum uix redolent duo funera, saeuior illo
Pompeius tenui iugulos aperire susurro, 110
et qui uulturibus seruabat uiscera Dacis
Fuscus marmorea meditatus proelia uilla,
et cum mortifero prudens Veiiento Catullo,
qui numquam uisae flagrabat amore puellae,
grande et conspicuum nostro quoque tempore monstrum, 115
caecus adulator dirusque ~a ponte~ satelles,
dignus Aricinos qui mendicaret ad axes
blandaque deuexae iactaret basia raedae.
nemo magis rhombum stupuit; nam plurima dixit
in laeuum conuersus, at illi dextra iacebat 120
belua. sic pugnas Cilicis laudabat et ictus
et pegma et pueros inde ad uelaria raptos.
non cedit Veiiento, sed ut fanaticus oestro
percussus, Bellona, tuo diuinat et 'ingens
omen habes' inquit 'magni clarique triumphi. 125
regem aliquem capies, aut de temone Britanno
excidet Aruiragus. peregrina est belua: cernis
erectas in terga sudes?' hoc defuit unum
Fabricio, patriam ut rhombi memoraret et annos.
'quidnam igitur censes? conciditur?' 'absit ab illo 130
dedecus hoc' Montanus ait, 'testa alta paretur
quae tenui muro spatiosum colligat orbem.
debetur magnus patinae subitusque Prometheus.
argillam atque rotam citius properate, sed ex hoc
tempore iam, Caesar, figuli tua castra sequantur.' 135
uicit digna uiro sententia. nouerat ille
luxuriam inperii ueterem noctesque Neronis
iam medias aliamque famem, cum pulmo Falerno
arderet. nulli maior fuit usus edendi
tempestate mea: Circeis nata forent an 140
Lucrinum ad saxum Rutupinoue edita fundo
ostrea callebat primo deprendere morsu,
et semel aspecti litus dicebat echini.
surgitur et misso proceres exire iubentur
consilio, quos Albanam dux magnus in arcem 145
traxerat attonitos et festinare coactos,
tamquam de Chattis aliquid toruisque Sygambris
dicturus, tamquam ex diuersis partibus orbis
anxia praecipiti uenisset epistula pinna.
atque utinam his potius nugis tota illa dedisset 150
tempora saeuitiae, claras quibus abstulit urbi
inlustresque animas inpune et uindice nullo.
sed periit postquam cerdonibus esse timendus
coeperat: hoc nocuit Lamiarum caede madenti.
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